Understanding and Encouraging Positive Behaviour

Children and young people in care are not “being difficult” on purpose.

Many live with ongoing anxiety, fear and emotional pain — even when it is not obvious. What looks like anger, defiance or withdrawal is often a sign that they do not feel safe or in control.

Behaviour is often a way of saying:

• I’m scared.
• I don’t trust what will happen next.
• I don’t know how to handle this feeling.

Behaviour can be linked to experiences such as:

• Exposure to violence or aggression
• Grief, loss and separation from family
• Repeated rejection or feelings of abandonment
• Health or developmental challenges
• Inconsistent caregiving in the past
• Moving homes and adjusting to new rules too often

Frequent change can make children feel unsafe. Even small transitions can trigger big reactions.

Focusing only on behaviour usually does not work.

What helps most is:

• Staying calm, even when things feel intense
• Being consistent with boundaries
• Explaining what is happening and what will happen next
• Showing kindness and predictability

Children who have experienced trauma are often very aware of what is happening around them — even if they seem not to be listening.

Over time, your steady and caring approach helps them feel safer. When children feel safer, behaviour improves.

“Try to remember where these kids have come from and what they have been through.”

Vikki, carer, Wyong

Many people think discipline means punishment.

In reality, it means teaching children how to behave safely and respectfully. Positive guidance is usually more effective than punishment — especially for children who have experienced trauma.

When children feel safe and connected, they are more able to learn.

Clear and caring boundaries help children:

• Feel safe and protected
• Learn to manage their emotions
• Understand how their behaviour affects others
• Build responsibility and independence
• Develop confidence

Children in care often need extra reassurance that adults are steady and in control. Your calm and consistent approach helps build that sense of safety.

In out-of-home care, carers must not use any form of discipline that involves:

• Smacking, slapping or physical force
• Shouting in anger
• Blaming or shaming
• Ridiculing or humiliating a child or young person

These responses may feel like they work in the moment. However, they do not teach self-control.

For children who have experienced trauma, physical or emotional punishment can:

• Increase fear
• Damage trust
• Reinforce unsafe beliefs about power and control

Children learn best when adults stay calm, set clear boundaries and respond consistently.

Keep expectations clear and realistic
Match rules to the child’s age and stage. Explain what you expect in simple language.

Keep rules simple
A few clear rules are easier to follow than many complicated ones. Focus on what matters most, such as:

• Be safe
• Be respectful
• Clean up after yourself

Notice the good stuff
When a child makes a good choice, say so. Specific praise helps children repeat positive behaviour.

Stay calm
Try to avoid power struggles. If you feel triggered, take a moment. You can step away and talk about the issue later when everyone is calm.

Teach instead of punish
When behaviour goes wrong, focus on helping the child learn what to do differently next time. Ask:

• What happened?
• What were you feeling?
• What could you try instead?

Learning takes time. Progress is often slow and uneven — and that’s normal.

You do not have to figure this out alone. Your caseworker can help if behaviour is escalating or you feel stuck.

You can also find practical guidance from:

• Raising Children Network
• Relationships Australia NSW
• Be You (mental health in education)

Babies do not need discipline.

They cry because they are:

• Hungry
• Tired
• Unwell
• Overstimulated
• Needing comfort

You cannot spoil a baby by meeting their needs. Responding quickly helps build trust and attachment.

As babies begin to crawl and explore:

• Baby-proof your home to keep them safe
• Use distraction rather than saying “no” repeatedly
• Offer safe alternatives

Routines help babies feel secure — but flexibility is important too.

Young children are learning how the world works. Big feelings are common.

Helpful strategies include:

Be a role model
Children copy what they see. Show calm problem-solving and respectful behaviour.

Think ahead
Remove fragile or unsafe items to prevent problems before they start.

Use distraction
Changing the activity or environment can quickly stop a tantrum.

Keep routines steady
Regular sleep, meals and transitions help children feel safe.

Notice positive behaviour
Specific praise builds confidence:

• “I like how you packed away your toys.”
• “Thank you for helping.”

Young children need repetition. Learning takes time.

Children at this age can understand clearer rules and consequences.

Helpful approaches include:

• Set clear and simple expectations
• Explain why rules exist
• Be consistent
• Involve them in problem-solving
• Reinforce positive behaviour with warmth and praise

Children in care may test boundaries to see if adults will stay steady. Consistency builds trust.

Avoid labelling language such as “lazy” or “hopeless.” Focus on the behaviour, not the child.

Instead of:
“You’re so careless.”

Try:
“I feel frustrated when homework isn’t finished. Let’s work out a plan.”

Teenagers are developing independence. They may push boundaries as part of growing up — and trauma can make this more intense.

Helpful strategies include:

• Share decision-making where possible
• Talk through choices and consequences
• Link rights with responsibilities
• Stay calm during conflict
• Keep communication open, even when you disagree

Teenagers need both freedom and clear boundaries. Your steady presence matters, even when they seem distant.

When emotions escalate, reasoning often does not work.

Sometimes changing the environment helps.

Spending time outdoors can support emotional regulation. You might try:

• Swimming or time near water
• Bush walks or park visits
• Outdoor sport
• Gardening
• Time with animals

Movement and fresh air can reduce stress and help children reset.

These activities are not a solution on their own — but they can make strong emotions easier to manage.