Family breakdowns don’t always begin with raised voices or obvious conflict. Sometimes they take shape over time, through misunderstandings, unspoken assumptions or unmet expectations. What starts with a missed phone call or an excuse to skip a family gathering can settle into something more lasting, without anyone noticing when the shift occurred. We are living in an era of estrangement, where the ties that bind generations together are fraying at an unprecedented rate.1
Family norms have shifted
Family breakdowns are often sparked by a disagreement over what family members ‘owe’ one another. In the past, family was a fixed idea; you stayed together because there was no other choice or it was an obligation.
Emeritus Professor Julie Fitness from the School of Psychological Sciences, Macquarie University, says family relationships have changed significantly over time, particularly in Western societies.
As Professor Fitness explains, “People tended to believe that family bonds were unbreakable and that family should always come first. Whether or not you liked each other wasn't terribly relevant. Family was what you could rely on, a safe haven in a dangerous world.”
That sense of certainty has shifted. Where earlier generations were expected to endure difficult relationships as part of family life, younger generations are far less willing to accept emotional discomfort. Today, staying connected depends more on whether a relationship feels respectful, safe and emotionally sustainable.
As Professor Fitness puts it, “We're not so reliant on the nuclear family anymore. There's not the same pressure to maintain bonds regardless of your feelings.”
As we shift from a culture of obligation to one of personal fulfillment, creating distance and even estrangement become viable options. As Professor Fitness explains, “If you feel that your family has let you down in some way then it's much easier to cut ties and to build substitute families.”
However, the cost of leaving is never zero. For parents and grandparents, it is the loss of a legacy and the painful absence of children or grandchildren. For the adult child, it is the grief of mourning someone who is still alive. For the grandchildren, it is a missing piece of their origin story, a question mark where a branch of the family tree should be, a sense of security and belonging.
The legacy of the unspoken
Estrangements that span generations rarely stem from a single argument. They are often the result of emotional inheritance: the subconscious passing down of trauma, parenting styles and coping mechanisms. When a grandmother was raised in a household of ‘stiff upper lips’ she may lack the tools to validate her daughter’s emotional needs. That daughter, feeling unseen, may eventually choose to protect her own children by cutting ties entirely.
What older generations view as being disloyal or too sensitive, younger generations view as creating boundaries and protecting their mental health. This communication gap is where a temporary fracture widens into a canyon.
According to Marie Brownell, Director of Estate Planning and Administration at NSW Trustee and Guardian, this is something she sees often.
“People don’t generally talk to family members about their Will,” Marie says. “If there’s disharmony in a family, people don’t tend to broadcast what they’re putting in their Will.”
But this lack of communication can have consequences beyond the Will itself. “Rifts between the Will maker and a family member can extend to other generations,” Marie says.
When a misunderstanding isn’t resolved or explained, people may fill in the gaps themselves. Over time, decisions can be misunderstood, causing resentment that can spread across generations.
What to consider going forward
As families change, many people find the question is no longer “How do we fix this?”, but “What can I live with?”.
When relationships stretch across generations, the choices are rarely simple. Some families find peace by accepting that these relationships may never change or feel the way they once hoped. Instead of trying to fix them, they choose calm, respectful contact that keeps a connection while protecting everyone’s emotional wellbeing.
At the same time, family breakdowns rarely come from one single decision. More often, they grow from what goes unsaid. When choices are made without explanation, people are left to interpret meaning for themselves, and those interpretations can last long after the decision itself.
Wills, caring roles and family expectations do not exist in isolation. They sit within families shaped by history, emotion and memory, and their impact can extend beyond one generation. Whether a rift is temporary or permanent, it forces us to confront the most uncomfortable truth of modern life: that we cannot choose where we come from, but we are increasingly choosing who we carry with us into the future.
As Marie Brownell explains, "I would highly recommend people seek professional advice when starting their estate planning journey or updating their documents, particularly when family conflict or major relationship changes are involved.” Seeking advice early can help ensure your estate plan reflects your intentions and reduces the risk of unintended consequences for your family.
There are no simple answers. But recognising that our decisions can echo across generations helps explain why disputes arise, and why their impact can last longer than anyone expects. That’s why starting conversations early matters. Talking openly about expectations, intentions and values won’t resolve every issue, but it can create understanding, reduce uncertainty and help families navigate these challenges together.
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i Source: SBS Voices, Are You Estranged From Your Family? It's More Common Than You Think, SBS, 14 August 2017.