Supporting yourself and others when someone is missing

When someone is missing, it can have a significant impact on their family and friends. This page provides strategies for self-care and advice on how to support others who are going through this challenging time.

Taking care of yourself when someone is missing

When a family member or friend is missing, it’s important to take care of your own wellbeing. Here are some strategies to help you cope.

Focus on your existing skills

Recognise your existing strengths and skills. Write down the things that you know to be helpful during times of stress and make these part of your daily schedule.

Establish a routine

Create a day-to-day schedule and set small, achievable goals to help restore a sense of predictability and control when everything seems so uncertain.

Do this at a gentle pace and recognise each achievement.

Connect with others and reach out for support

Reach out and welcome support from:

• friends
• family
• community groups
• support agencies.

Don't be afraid to let others know what you need.

They might be able to help with tasks like:

• child-minding
• meals
• searching, or
• responding to calls when you need rest.  

Appreciate that everyone responds differently

People have different reactions and beliefs, even within families. This is normal when someone is missing. It can help to talk about these different responses and coping styles.

Some people are open and expressive with their feelings and will want to talk, while others may be more private and prefer to keep busy. We can respect each other’s reactions even if we do not always understand them.

Look after your physical health  

Try to get regular exercise, sleep, and eat healthy meals to help manage stress.

Consult your doctor if you have health concerns and discuss strategies to support your physical well-being.

Visit the healthy living page for extra resources.

Remember that rest is crucial. It’s okay to take a break from searching. Try to make time for things you enjoy, such as:

• listening to music
• seeing friends
• reading a book
• getting a massage
• sitting down with a cup of tea, or
• getting some sunlight.

Look after your emotional health

Recognise that there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to feel. Emotions can change rapidly.

It might help to:

• acknowledge your feelings by writing your thoughts in a journal or talking to someone you trust
• practise ‘kind self-talk’ and imagine how you might talk to a close friend in a similar situation
• talk to a Missing Persons counsellor about grounding techniques, self-compassion and mindfulness when feeling overwhelmed.

Take care of your work life and financial needs

A missing family member or friend can lead to financial stress. Consider speaking to a financial counsellor. You can view a list of financial counsellors at Financial Counsellors Association of NSW.  

The National Debt Helpline (1800 007 007) also provides free help managing money and debt and information about emergency relief organisations.

Let your doctor and employer know what is happening and if you need leave from work, or adjustments such as:

• reduced hours
• more appropriate tasks, or
• breaks.

Your workplace may have an Employee Assistance Program.

How we can help

The Families and Friends of Missing Persons Service provides support to families and friends of missing people. You can also get in touch with us for further information.

Supporting someone who has a family member or friend missing

If you know someone affected by a missing person, understanding their experience and knowing how to help can make a big difference.

What people experience when someone goes missing

It is different for everyone and there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to respond. For many, the most difficult part is not knowing what has happened.

It is common to experience:

• a wide range of rapidly changing emotions, including anxiety, anger, confusion, sadness, guilt, longing, fear, shock and disbelief
• sleep disruption and a focus on the search, especially in the weeks and months after a disappearance
• challenges with recurring events, such as the anniversary of the person’s disappearance, their birthday or a family gathering.

Having a missing family member or friend can impact all areas of life – physical, emotional, social and even financial. Those affected may need support from a range of services.

How you can help

You can provide support by:

• offering non-judgmental support and asking them what they need
• checking in to see how they’re doing over time, as support can drop-off long-term
• encouraging them to rest and think about ‘self-care’ strategies
• considering letting them know about support services, like the Families and Friends of Missing Persons Service.

Everyone is different. People may need to talk, some might need space, while others may need practical assistance. You could offer ideas about how you can help, such as:

• talking over coffee
• preparing meals
• helping them search
• child-minding, or
• responding to calls when they need rest.

Try to avoid:

• suggesting they should be moving on with their life
• making assumptions about how they’re feeling
• attempting to solve their problems with advice
• speculating about what may have happened
• gossiping - this can be really hurtful and makes it harder for families to trust and reach out for support.

People with a missing person do not just ‘get over it’ or ‘move on.’ For many, 'closure’ can be an unhelpful term.  

Supporting a young person when someone is missing

Supporting a young person when someone is missing in their life can be challenging. They may feel confused, scared or lonely, and struggle to understand their emotions during this difficult time.  

If you know a young person who needs support, the In the Loop: Young people talking about Missing guide can be a useful resource. It was written by and for children and young people who have experienced having someone missing in their lives. The stories and advice in the booklet can help start conversations and provide guidance on how to better support them during this period.  

Contact the Families and Friends of Missing Persons Service

We are a part of the Department of Communities and Justice. We provide support, information and referrals by phone and email:

phone: 1800 633 063 (option 7) between 9am to 5pm from Monday to Friday
email: ffmps@dcj.nsw.gov.au